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THE BIRTH OF A CANDYBAR

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar going Bonkers. I saw this sweet little Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse On the corner of Clark and 5th Avenue playing with her Raisinettes causing me to almost loose my Skittles. I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey Charleston Chew, how'd you like to Crunch on my big 100,000 Grand?"

Well, she immediately went down on my TootsieRoll, and it was pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots for me. It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Krackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and caused a Milky Way as she screamed "Oh Henry!".

Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before my Milk Duds were blowing Mentos clear to Mars. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "Marry Jane, no kinky stuff".

I said "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it in your Bit 'O' Honey and I'll give you a Caramello".

She screamed, "Oh your Nut Rageous tastes better than the Three Musketeers".

Well her Juicy Fruit was better than Little Debbie's and it wasn't long as we were going at it Good 'N' Plenty, before my Starburst in her Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.

As luck would have it, she became Chunky and nine months later out came Baby Ruth!

All of the bold are the Name of some of the most famous candies in the world,
or they were once the Name of famous candies.
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What would Keith Stone do ..?

[clic pic]

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BTW: This is NOT me ...
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" An old promo video for
'Magdalene Manor's Faith-Flirters Retreat' "


'How To Be A Player'
~ GOD'S WAY ~
- Clic Pic -

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LOOK!
I can fly ...

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Last edited by SPIDER on Mon 27 Dec, 2010 6:00 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Bob the Chicken

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and
fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your
sleep, Bob.'

Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got way too much to live for.
Please send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and
that is as a....chicken.'

Bob was devastated, but St. Peter explained that this was the only way he
could return to the earth he knew. Faced with that reality, he begged
St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home...

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking
the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day
here?'

'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside.
Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid
an egg before?'

'Never,' said Bob.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.

He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head,
and heard his wife's voice....

"BOB, wake up! You just pooped in the bed!"

Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!
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The dangers of being a Pirate

> A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen
you in a while. What happened? You look terrible!"

> "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

> "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

> "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon
ball, but I'm fine now."

> The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened
to your hand?"

> The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got
nto a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

> "What about that eye patch?"

> "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew
over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in me eye."

> "You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird poop."

> "It was my first day with the hook."
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'GROANERS'

1. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
2. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
3. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
4. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
5. Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
6. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
8. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
9. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
10. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
11. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
12. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
13. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
14. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
15. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
16. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
17. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
18. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
20. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
21. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
22. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
23. Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
24. Every calendar's days are numbered.
25. A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.
26. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
27. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
28. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
29. Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
30. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
31. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
32. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
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. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ~ IRISH TRADITION ~

Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been
able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the
far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took
a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat
... and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across
the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said,
"Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather
were all born in December, when the lake is frozen,
and you were born in August, ya dip s*it."
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I might pass it ...
but I wouldn't blow my horn ...
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