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Your Maine Forum Forum Index -> Around The Water Cooler -> Jokes & Humor, Etc

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SPIDER
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Joined: 27 Mar 2006
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Jokes ...

scratch Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?

. . . . . . .

Twisted Evil A: So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

'S'

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Post Sun 11 Mar, 2007 12:18 pm 
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SPIDER
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Sweet Revenge

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her portrait painted by a famous artist.

She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, and a ruby pendant."

"But you are not wearing any of those things."

"I know," said Mrs. Johnson.

"My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her,
and I want the b----- to go nuts looking for the jewelry."

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'S'

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Post Fri 08 Jun, 2007 7:40 am 
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SPIDER
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Post Thu 21 Jun, 2007 4:50 am 
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SPIDER
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HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was
resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in
his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky
ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts;
In feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat
miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum
Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
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'S'

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Post Wed 11 Jul, 2007 7:29 pm 
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SPIDER
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A tough old cowboy once counseled his Grandson that if he wanted to live a nice long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The Grandson did this religiously to the ripe old age of 103.

When he died, he left 14 children, 40 grandchildren,
55 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great grandchildren
and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
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'S'
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'LET'S IMPEACH THE PRESIDENT'
http://youtube.com/watch?v=PlyuQVtMO4s

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Post Thu 19 Jul, 2007 9:07 am 
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SPIDER
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Shocked Uh Ohh !!

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Post Sun 26 Aug, 2007 11:57 am 
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Confused .. Sad Satire ...


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Post Sat 20 Oct, 2007 2:16 pm 
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SPIDER
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. . . . .

Surprised Did you hear that the Energizer Bunny has been arrested?

Very Happy He was charged with battery! ....

*groan*
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Post Fri 26 Oct, 2007 8:44 am 
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SPIDER
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Mr. Green

. . .

"Four Things That Children Have Learned"

1. No matter how hard you try,
. . you can't baptize cats.

2. When your mom is mad at your dad,
. . don't let her brush your hair.

3. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

4. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

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Post Wed 31 Oct, 2007 1:03 pm 
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SPIDER
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Post Thu 22 Nov, 2007 5:03 am 
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SPIDER
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Last edited by SPIDER on Wed 23 Jul, 2008 1:05 pm; edited 1 time in total

Post Wed 28 Nov, 2007 1:26 pm 
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SPIDER
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.
Cool Thought this was REALLLLLLYYYY funny!

CHINESE EYE TEST

THIS IS BRILLIANT!!!




Wink If you cannot decipher anything, then try pulling
the corner of your eyes as if you were Chinese.
. It works.

Very Happy Too FUNNY not to pass on!
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'S'

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Post Mon 02 Jun, 2008 1:22 pm 
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Post Thu 12 Jun, 2008 10:26 am 
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crazy



When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace 'Expensive'.
So, I took her to a gas station.

Rolling Eyes And then the fight started ....
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt".

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security Office.

She said,"'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."

Rolling Eyes And then the fight started ....
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked,"Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!", says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Rolling Eyes And then the fight started ....
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Cool .. I SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST ...

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were, alongside the road, and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF !!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY !!!"

So, I looked down at him and laughingly said, "Well then, which one are you?"

Wink And then the fight started .....
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Post Wed 23 Jul, 2008 1:04 pm 
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Post Fri 22 Aug, 2008 4:00 am 
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