FAQFAQ
   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 
#1 In Identity Theft Protection



Your Maine Forum Forum Index -> Around The Water Cooler -> Jokes & Humor, Etc

Red Neck Corners, USA - (Humor)
Goto page 1, 2  Next

Post new topic   Reply to topic
  Author    Thread
SPIDER
Official Mainah


Joined: 27 Mar 2006
Posts: 1328
Location: "The Worlds Most Famous Beach"


 Reply with quote  
Red Neck Corners, USA - (Humor)

Got a Redneck Joke? Post it here.
-------------------------------------

Why Rednecks Can't Be Paramedics

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them
grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing;
his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell
phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba's dead! What should Ah do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and
follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence... and then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now whut?"

'S'

_________________
.
.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
- COMPLACENCY -


Last edited by SPIDER on Thu 23 Dec, 2010 4:44 am; edited 1 time in total

Post Thu 14 Sep, 2006 11:02 am 
 View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
SPIDER
Official Mainah


Joined: 27 Mar 2006
Posts: 1328
Location: "The Worlds Most Famous Beach"


 Reply with quote  

Cool Notice to Northerners moving South

The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer insight and advice to Northerners moving South.

. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.

. Just because you think you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

. Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.

. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you, either.

. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol", as in "big ol truck", or"big ol boy", "Fixin'", as in "I'm fixin' to go to the store", 2nd, and "Y'all" is 3rd.

. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!", stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.

. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.

. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

. The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December.

. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do.

. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.

. Be advised that in the South, "He Needed Killin' " is a valid defense .
_______________

'S'

_________________
.
.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
- COMPLACENCY -

Post Fri 22 Sep, 2006 1:21 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
SPIDER
Official Mainah


Joined: 27 Mar 2006
Posts: 1328
Location: "The Worlds Most Famous Beach"


 Reply with quote  

A redneck won a dinner at a fancy restaurant. As he was sitting at his table, admiring all the fancy rich folks and their outfits, he noticed the size of the steak served to the large man sitting at the next table.

After a couple of bites, the large man began to choke and his wife began to look wildly around the restaurant, calling for help. The redneck watched as all the rich folks just looked at one another in horror without moving.

As the man, who was pounding on the table and beginning to turn blue, looked around helplessly, the redneck calmly stood up and walked over to the table. Without a word, the redneck yanked down the man's pants and licked the rich man's bare behind. Like magic, the rich man coughed and the piece of steak flew out of his mouth. Without a word, the redneck went back to his dinner.

The rich man and his wife came over and began to profusely thank the redneck for his help. The redneck waved off their praise and said, "Oh heck, twern't nothing.

I always did want to try that Hind Lick Maneuver".

'S'

_________________
.
.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
- COMPLACENCY -

Post Fri 22 Sep, 2006 1:26 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
SPIDER
Official Mainah


Joined: 27 Mar 2006
Posts: 1328
Location: "The Worlds Most Famous Beach"


 Reply with quote  


SOUTHERN CHARM

Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an
endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California
woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered
elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the
California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my
husband built a beautiful mansion for me." The lady from the South
commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband
bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz. " Again, the lady from the South
commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my
husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for
you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

Charm school?" the first woman Cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?"
>said the first woman.

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying
"Who gives a s*it?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious?"

'S'

_________________
.
.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
- COMPLACENCY -

Post Sat 23 Sep, 2006 10:51 am 
 View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
SPIDER
Official Mainah


Joined: 27 Mar 2006
Posts: 1328
Location: "The Worlds Most Famous Beach"


 Reply with quote  



alien You Might Be A StarFleet Redneck, if ...

Your shuttle craft has been up on blocks for over a month.

You paint flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.

You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"

You refer to Klingons as "Critters"

You refer to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"

You have the sensor array repaired with a bent coat hanger and aluminum foil.

You install a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.

You say "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies."

You hang fuzzy dice over the view screen.

You rewire your communicator into your belt buckle.

You keep a six-pack under your command chair and a gun rack above it.

You say "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage"

You have a hand-tooled holster for your phaser.

You insist on calling your executive officer "Bubba."

You set the fore view screen to reruns of "Bassmaster."

You program the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.

You paint the starship John Deere green.

You refer to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special."

You refer to the Mutara Nebula as "a swamp."

Your moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.

Your idea of a dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls

You set your phaser to "Cajun."


'S'

_________________
.
.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
- COMPLACENCY -

Post Sun 08 Oct, 2006 12:54 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
SPIDER
Official Mainah


Joined: 27 Mar 2006
Posts: 1328
Location: "The Worlds Most Famous Beach"


 Reply with quote  

.. 'The Compliment' ..

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,
"I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Give me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Yer eyesight's damn near perfect."

.. He never heard the shot ..

'S'

[S/T]

_________________
.
.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
- COMPLACENCY -

Post Mon 09 Oct, 2006 12:17 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
SPIDER
Official Mainah


Joined: 27 Mar 2006
Posts: 1328
Location: "The Worlds Most Famous Beach"


 Reply with quote  

Redneck Birth Control

A redneck took his daughter to the Gynocologist.

They waited in the Doctor's office when finally the Doctor came in and asked the father: "Well, what are we here for today"?

The father answered: "to get my daughter on birth control, Doc".

"Well, is your daughter sexually active?", asked the Doctor.

"No", answered the redneck, "she just lays there like her mother".

'S'

_________________
.
.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
- COMPLACENCY -

Post Wed 15 Nov, 2006 11:52 am 
 View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
SPIDER
Official Mainah


Joined: 27 Mar 2006
Posts: 1328
Location: "The Worlds Most Famous Beach"


 Reply with quote  

~ Clyk ON pIc fer ~

~ mY HOmEpAige ~

'S'

_________________
.
.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
- COMPLACENCY -

Post Sun 10 Dec, 2006 1:47 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
SPIDER
Official Mainah


Joined: 27 Mar 2006
Posts: 1328
Location: "The Worlds Most Famous Beach"


 Reply with quote  



. . .
~ Welcome to 'UTOPIA' in Jacksonville, SC ~

. . .
. . . . . [clic-pic]



'S'

_________________
.
.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
- COMPLACENCY -

Post Sat 24 Mar, 2007 8:47 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
SPIDER
Official Mainah


Joined: 27 Mar 2006
Posts: 1328
Location: "The Worlds Most Famous Beach"


 Reply with quote  



A man was in a Circle K buying a six-pack ...
Another guy comes running into the store and yells,
"Dude, somebody just stole your pickup"!
The first man looks at him and says, "Did you see who it was?"
The other guy says, "No, but I got the license plate number!"
-------
An Alabama State Trooper pulls a man over for speeding ...
He gets out of his patrol car and approaches the driver.
"Got an I.D.?" He says
The driver stares at the trooper, then says, "'Bout what?"
-------
A man has a flat tire in rural Mississippi ...
He looks at the tire and then puts a bouquet of flowers on the hood,
then goes to the rear and puts another bouquet on the trunk.
Pretty soon another motorist stops and asks, "Whats going on here?"
The first man says, "Well, as you see, I got a flat tare!"
"Yeah, I can see that but how come the flowers?"
"I was told to always put flares at the front and rear when got a flat tare!"
___

'S'

_________________
.
.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
- COMPLACENCY -

Post Sat 19 May, 2007 6:09 am 
 View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
SPIDER
Official Mainah


Joined: 27 Mar 2006
Posts: 1328
Location: "The Worlds Most Famous Beach"


 Reply with quote  

'S'
_________________
.
.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
- COMPLACENCY -

Post Sat 19 May, 2007 12:55 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
SPIDER
Official Mainah


Joined: 27 Mar 2006
Posts: 1328
Location: "The Worlds Most Famous Beach"


 Reply with quote  

Twisted Evil It's time for .. 'PLAN RSF'


The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite
fighting unit called "The United States 'Redneck Special Forces'."

These Alabama, Arkansas, Carolina's, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri,
Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq
and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
6. Their favorite movie is " BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN ."

Cool We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday!

'S'

_________________
.
.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
- COMPLACENCY -

Post Sat 19 May, 2007 1:04 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
SPIDER
Official Mainah


Joined: 27 Mar 2006
Posts: 1328
Location: "The Worlds Most Famous Beach"


 Reply with quote  


__
'S'

_________________
.
.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
- COMPLACENCY -

Post Wed 13 Jun, 2007 11:01 am 
 View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
SPIDER
Official Mainah


Joined: 27 Mar 2006
Posts: 1328
Location: "The Worlds Most Famous Beach"


 Reply with quote  

. . . . . . . .

. . Bubba And Earl

Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road
drinking a couple of bottles of beer.

Bubba says to Earl:
"Lookey thar up ahead it's a dadgum
police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted
fer drinkin' these here beers!"

. . . . . . . . .

Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said.
"We'll just pull over and finish drinkin'these
beers then peel off the label and stick it on
our foreheads then throw the bottles away."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties
out of sight and put the labels on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said,
"Howdy boys ya'll been drinkin'?"

"No sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels ...

... "Me and Bubba's on the Patch" ...

. . . . . . . . .

__
'S'

_________________
.
.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
- COMPLACENCY -

Post Sat 01 Dec, 2007 11:33 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
SPIDER
Official Mainah


Joined: 27 Mar 2006
Posts: 1328
Location: "The Worlds Most Famous Beach"


 Reply with quote  

Cool Clic Pic ..


__
'S'

_________________
.
.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
- COMPLACENCY -

Post Mon 24 Dec, 2007 1:08 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
  Display posts from previous:      

Your Maine Forum Forum Index -> Around The Water Cooler -> Jokes & Humor, Etc



Forum Jump:
Jump to:  

Post new topic   Reply to topic
Page 1 of 2

Goto page 1, 2  Next

Forum Rules:
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You cannot attach files in this forum
You cannot download files in this forum

 

Last Thread | Next Thread  >
Powered by phpBB: © 2001 phpBB Group