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Your Maine Forum Forum Index -> Around The Water Cooler -> Jokes & Humor, Etc

Old Folks Joke/s
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SPIDER
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Joined: 27 Mar 2006
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Old Folks Joke/s

Cool .. SUPERSEX

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex'.
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.
Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex".
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,
"I'll take the soup".

'S'

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Last edited by SPIDER on Tue 05 Sep, 2006 3:48 pm; edited 1 time in total

Post Wed 30 Aug, 2006 10:00 am 
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SPIDER
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Joined: 27 Mar 2006
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Razz Lucky Day

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She was to go into a room and wait for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Breast fed", she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. she did.

He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for awhile in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry, You don't have any milk."

"Naturally", she said, "I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came today".

'S'

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Post Sun 03 Sep, 2006 10:22 am 
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PaulaJane
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Joined: 22 Jun 2004
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Hahaha

Thanks Spider! hahaha I love it! haha
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Post Mon 04 Sep, 2006 2:33 am 
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SPIDER
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Joined: 27 Mar 2006
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Cool .. On Death

I hope I die like my Grandpa did,
who went peacefully in his sleep.

Surprised Not screaming like the passengers in his back seat!

'S'

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Post Tue 05 Sep, 2006 3:46 pm 
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SPIDER
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Shocked Ever wondered what a 'HOT FLASH' looks like ??

'S'

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Post Thu 14 Sep, 2006 11:30 pm 
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SPIDER
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Cool Don't mess with this old lady!

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City Building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over, farts and says...

Mr. Green "Broccoli. 49 cents a pound!"

'S'

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Post Sun 17 Sep, 2006 4:10 pm 
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SPIDER
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Cool The Question

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry.

Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship:

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.

"Oh, I like to have it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy thought for a moment, then asked,
Confused . "Was that one word or two?"

'S'

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Post Wed 04 Oct, 2006 3:07 pm 
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SPIDER
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~ The Question ~

Child comes in and asks dad what's fornication?
Dad says, child go ask your mother. Shocked

Child asks Mother what's fornication?
Mom says, go ask your Grand-mother. Embarassed

Child goes upstairs and asks Grand-mother what's fornication?

The elderly lady stops Confused then walks over to the closet and
gets out her faded old prom dress and replies

This was foranoccasion Mr. Green

'S'

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Post Thu 05 Oct, 2006 12:31 pm 
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SPIDER
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~ THE DOORBELL ~

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she
opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair.

.. He had no arms or legs ..

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said
Just look at you ... You have no legs!"

The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
"I rang the doorbell, didn't I"?

Cool .. The wedding is scheduled for Saturday ..
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'S'

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Post Thu 19 Oct, 2006 9:51 pm 
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SPIDER
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The Bag Lady

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady.

"You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.
Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper,
and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes,
I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", sez the little old lady, "Not all of them pay up"....

'S'

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Post Fri 27 Oct, 2006 11:19 am 
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SPIDER
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For the holiday season, one year, a young man sent his grandparents a large beautiful bird from Brazil.
The grandparents plucked, stuffed, baked, and ate the bird with sweet potatos and cranberry sauce.

When the young man came home, he asked the grandparents how they liked the bird.
They replied, "we liked it a lot. It was delicious".
The young man paled and said, "I know you did not eat that bird".
They replied, "`course we did".

The young man went into a tirade and yelled "That bird is worth a lot.
I paid a lot for it. It can speak 3 languages".

His grandfather matter of factly responded,
.. "Well, he shoulda said somthin" ..

'S'

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Post Tue 31 Oct, 2006 10:56 am 
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SPIDER
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Old Geezers

"Geezers" (slang for an old man) are easy to spot:

At sporting events, during the playing of
the National Anthem, Old Geezers hold
their caps over their hearts and sing without
embarrassment. They know the words and
believe in them. Old Geezers remember
World War I, the Depression, World
War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal, Normandy
and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age,
the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age
and the Moon Landing, not to mention Vietnam.

If you bump into an Old Geezer on the sidewalk,
he will apologize. If you pass an Old Geezer
on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a
lady. Old Geezers trust strangers and are
courtly to women. Old Geezers hold the door
for the next person and always, when walking,
make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.

Old Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses
in front of women and children and they don't like
any filth on TV or in movies. Old Geezers have
moral courage. They seldom brag unless it's
about their grandchildren.

It's the Old Geezers who know our great country
is protected, not by politicians or police, but by
the young men and women in the military serving their country.

This country needs Old Geezers with their decent
values. We need them now more than ever.

Thank God for Old Geezers!

'S'

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Post Mon 06 Nov, 2006 12:26 pm 
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SPIDER
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Southern Grandma

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they
aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town
prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly,
elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me.You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never
will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I do know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he
was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking
problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law
practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he
cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your
wife. Yes, I do know him."

.. The defense attorney almost died ..

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very
quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
.. I'll send you to the electric chair."

'S'

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Post Tue 07 Nov, 2006 11:51 pm 
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SPIDER
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One evening an 80 year old farmer decided to go down to his pond,
as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

When he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked
or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

Moral: ... Some old men can still think fast ... Wink

'S'

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Post Wed 15 Nov, 2006 11:15 am 
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SPIDER
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Embarassed Viagra Please

An elderly gentleman went to the local pharmacy and asked the Pharmacist for the little blue 'Viagra' pill.
The Pharmacist said "How many?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."

The Pharmacist said. "That's too small a dose-it won't get you through sex'

The old fellow replied, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't think much about sex anymore.
I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes".

'S'

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Post Wed 13 Dec, 2006 1:19 pm 
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