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Your Maine Forum Forum Index -> Around The Water Cooler -> Jokes & Humor, Etc

Holy Jokes & Satire
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SPIDER
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Joined: 27 Mar 2006
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Holy Jokes & Satire

"The Pearly Gates"
----------------

Two Women meet while waiting at the Pearly Gates.....

1st woman: Hi! My name is redmist.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

redmist: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

redmist: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold,
I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the
act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

redmist: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere
that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the
attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went
through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up
until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I
just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

redmist: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
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"Carrying a Mexican flag at a American immigration rally
. is like coming to my house for dinner,
.. taking a crap on my table, and saying ..
... 'What are you cooking next' ? "

Carlos Mencia
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Last edited by SPIDER on Wed 18 Apr, 2007 3:10 pm; edited 2 times in total

Post Thu 20 Apr, 2006 12:48 pm 
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tumbleweed
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Good one Spider. Laughing
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"To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead." Thomas Paine

Post Fri 21 Apr, 2006 5:59 am 
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SPIDER
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Joined: 27 Mar 2006
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Cool Glad you liked it tumbleweed.

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Post Fri 21 Apr, 2006 8:35 am 
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SPIDER
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Joined: 27 Mar 2006
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We are not alone!


... 'Another Time' ~ 'Another Place' ...

'S'

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Post Wed 18 Apr, 2007 3:13 pm 
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SPIDER
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. . . . . .

The Internal Revenue Service sends their auditor (a nasty little man)
.. to audit a synagogue ..


The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says,
"I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?", he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough,
we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer.
So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do... with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them, in a box,
back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send us a free box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well Rabbi," he went on,
.. "What do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions? "

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins
and when we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue Service."

"The Internal Revenue Service?", questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "the Internal Revenue Service."

Twisted Evil .. "And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

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Post Mon 23 Apr, 2007 8:20 am 
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SPIDER
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Twisted Evil

. . . . 'JESUS WILL SURVIVE'

[clic pic]

Very Happy This amateur video is sooo gay that it's funny.

'S'
atire

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Post Sun 20 May, 2007 4:20 pm 
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SPIDER
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Post Mon 21 May, 2007 3:26 am 
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SPIDER
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Post Tue 22 May, 2007 2:16 pm 
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SPIDER
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Confused


'Honk If You Love Jesus'

The other day I saw a "HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS" bumper sticker.
So I bought it and put it on the rear bumper of my car.

I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at a traffic light at a busy intersection; just lost in thought about the Lord.
I didn't notice that the light had changed.

Smile That bumper sticker really worked!

I found lots of people who love Jesus! Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy.
He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out of his window and
yelled "Jesus Christ" as loud as he could. It was like a football game as he shouted,
"Go, Jesus Christ, Go!"

Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved as I smiled
at all those loving people.

There must have been a guy from Florida back there somewhere because I could hear
him yelling something about a "sunny beach" and I saw him waving in a funny way
with only his middle finger stuck in the air.

I asked my kids what that meant.
They grinned and, looking at each other, told me it was a Hawaiian good luck sign.
So I leaned out the window and gave him the Hawaiian good luck sign back.

A very nice black man several cars behind me stepped out of his car and yelled something.
I couldn't hear him very well but it sounded like "mother trucker" or "mother from there."
Maybe he was from Florida too. He must really love the Lord.

A couple of people became so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out
of their cars and walked towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed the light had changed to yellow.
So I quickly stepped on the gas.

And it's a good thing I did because I was the only driver to get across the intersection.

I looked back at all of them standing there and, leaning way out of my window,
I gave them all a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.


Cool .. Praise the Lord for such wonderful people ..
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Post Fri 25 May, 2007 11:35 am 
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SPIDER
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CONCEPTUAL COMPARISONS

OF THE WORLD'S RELIGIONS

TAOISM - Stuff happens.

CONFUCIANISM - Confucius says, "Stuff happens."

BUDDHISM - If stuff happens, it really isn't stuff.

ZEN - What is the sound of stuff happening?

HINDUISM - This stuff has happened before.

MORMONISM - This stuff is going to happen again!

MOONIEISM - Only happy stuff happens.

HARE KRISHNA - Stuff happens, Rama, Rama.

ISLAM (Sunni) - If stuff happens, it is the will of Allah.

ISLAM (Shi'i) - If stuff happens, hunt down those responsible and kill them.

JAINISM - Don't step on that stuff.

STOICISM - This stuff is good for me.

HEDONISM - There's nothing like good stuff happening.

CALVINISM - Stuff happens because you don't work hard enough.

PROTESTANTISM - Let the stuff happen to someone else.

CATHOLICISM - Stuff happens because you are bad.

JUDAISM - Why does this stuff always happen to us?

CHRISTIAN SCIENCE - Stuff is in your mind.

JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES - Knock, knock, stuff happens.

ATHEISM - Stuff doesn't happen.

AGNOSTICISM - I don't know if stuff happens.

EXISTENTIALISM - What is stuff anyway?

NEW AGE - Stuff is part of the cosmic balance.

RASTAFARIANISM - Let's smoke this stuff!
__________________________________________

People who want to share their religious views with you ..
.. almost never want you to share yours with them ..

Wink (Except for 'Stuff')
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Post Sat 14 Jul, 2007 6:57 pm 
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SPIDER
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Post Wed 01 Aug, 2007 4:23 am 
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SPIDER
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U.S. Department of Faith Proposal to Amend United States Constitution to Conform to Biblical Principles Regarding Marriage

Freehold, Iowa - The U.S. Department of Faith has delivered to the President and each member of the U.S. Senate and House the following proposal to incorporate Biblical restrictions on marriage into our Godly nation's otherwise embarrassingly flawed Constitution. (In addition to the proposed amendments identified below, the Department of Faith has also urged each legislator to support repeal of the First Amendment so there is no conflict between the Satanic "separation of church and state" and the amendments below.)

( Photocopy of White House Department of Faith Document )




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Post Sun 09 Sep, 2007 1:13 am 
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SPIDER
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Mr. Green


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Post Sat 29 Sep, 2007 1:15 pm 
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SPIDER
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.

Mr. Green . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Pay Up or Die"


They may be country churches serving the good rural folk of Arkansas,
but they mean business, no reason to hold anything back,
they tell it just like it is: "Pay your dues or go straight to Hell" .
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Post Sun 10 Feb, 2008 8:18 pm 
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SPIDER
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The Garden of Eden - 2010

A new Reality Show ...



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Post Tue 30 Mar, 2010 4:51 am 
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